Artino caught in endless game of limbo on campus
“The doors are only 6 foot 6 inches, but I’m 6 foot 11 inches, you do the math.” redshirt junior Will Artino said while ducking under a doorway in the Old Gym.
“For the last four years I have been playing a continuous game of limbo on campus. Every building, every doorway… It’s giving me back problems, I hit my head constantly, my game is suffering- something needs to be done.”
Will Artino, one of the tallest members of the Creighton basketball team, has a point. Just walking with him from one room to another requires him to duck at least twice, if not more.
“I tried to pitch them on making all the doors taller a couple years ago, or the ground lower… But logistically, the administration said it was complicated.”
Almost all of the doorways on campus stand at a very normal 6 feet 6 inches, more than tall enough for 98% of campus. However, Artino is in the 2% minority of students who are constantly ducking to avoid injury. Doorways aren’t Artino’s only complaint either.
“The beds. I mean have you guys seen the beds? I look the ‘Buddy the Elf’ in bed here. I have to make the choice between my head hanging over the edge or my feet. I’m not saying Creighton should provide 8 foot beds for everyone, but would it be so terrible to have a few in stock for people like me?”
One proposed idea to fix the doorway issue is what most are referring to as “Artino Arches.” The idea, created by basketball team manager Marcus Conroy is simply building all future buildings with doors that arch up to an apex of 7 and half feet. The new arches would grant more than enough room for any human of any size to fit through.
“I like the arch idea.” Artino said, “I’m currently pitching the Athletic department on installing them in the new athletic building. Hopefully my plight will help bring change to campus for the vertically challenged.”
***REMINDER: THIS IS SATIRE***