Jack & Ed’s toaster proves existence of ancient aliens
The Creighton Anthropology Club and the Extra-Terrestrial Contact Committee of Omaha released a joint statement on Tuesday, February 25 outlining plans to return the Jack & Ed’s toaster to its home galaxy after carbon dating tests proved the toaster was older than electricity itself.
The investigation began after one student noticed a strange, alien-like hand symbol on the stylish piece of old-world tech. At first, few believed the toaster could belong to a more technologically evolved civilization than our own due to its incredibly slow cooking time for bagels and frozen foods.
“I was just toasting my bagel one morning and realized that there was a weird caution symbol warning users to keep their hands out of the hot oven. However, the symbol did not resemble a human hand, it only had three fingers!” Bagel-enthusiast Eric Gemmerman said.
The Extra-Terrestrial Contact Committee of Omaha (ETCCO) was notified almost immediately after Gemmerman’s discovery to begin full testing. The university was hesitant about lending the heating unit out for testing, however Jack & Ed’s was out of cream cheese anyway so the toaster’s absence posed no threat to the bagel-eating community on campus.
“We hope that with these findings, we can open the eyes of many more Creighton students, faculty and alumni in the Omaha community to the growing evidence of ancient aliens around us.” the joint statement said.